Transgenerational Violence and Teen Dating Violence
Domestic violence and youth violence are serious and pervasive
problems that tend to occur in the same families and perpetuate one
another. There are inextricable links between child abuse, domestic
violence and youth violence. Family violence not only injures and kills
women and children, it can teach the young people who experience and
witness it that violence is acceptable. Young people exposed to abuse
in their homes are more likely than others to become violent.
According to Dr. Jill Murray, 1 in 3 girls will be in a controlling,
abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school from
verbal and emotional abuse to sexual abuse or physical battering (But I Love Him,
2003). It’s been shown that in most cases, Teen Dating Violence sets
the stage for future partner abuse such as domestic violence.
Adolescent girls in dating relationships often confuse jealousy, and
possessiveness with flattery. Although this kind of attention appears
to be flattering to young girls, it can promote a false sense of
assurance and false hopes. Adolescent girls are led to believe that
this is love, even though they spend most of the time in the
relationship crying or apologizing for their behavior.
Adolescent males are not exempt from Teen Dating Violence. In an
article, “Texas Care Male”, it was reported that 1 in 6 boys are abused
before age 18. In these cases, the abusers are females. The article
further stated that the power differential changes between the young
boy and the young girl when the male becomes 14+. In addition, Dr. Jill
Murray stated that it is not uncommon for girls to humiliate or
embarrass their boyfriends and, she further stated that abusive girls
attract abusive boyfriends, (p. 132).In a recent 2003 report, the
“National Center for Victims of Crimes “reported the following:
- Over 40 percent of male and female high school students said they had been victims of dating violence at least once
- 50 to 80 percent of teens have reported knowing others who were involved In violent relationships
- 15
percent of teen females and males reported being victims of severe
dating violence (defined as being hit, kicked, thrown down or attacked
with a weapon) in the past year
- 8 percent of 8th and 9th grade students have reported being victims of sexual dating violence
The FVPF adds to these startling stats, “Youth ages 16-24 are the
most at risk of domestic violence of any age group. Crime Victimization
surveys report that adolescents and young adults experience the highest
degree of intimate violence of any age group. Surveillance data
consistently indicate that 16-24 year old women are the most highly
victimized group.”
Although teens involved in dating violence have learned to
perpetrate or accept this behavior at home, they are capable of
learning something different and make better choices. To teach
teenagers obedience and honor is not simply “do as I say or do as I do”
but to teach them the responsibility of the power of choice. Helping
teens to discover the wealth of internal and external resources to
assist them to make the best choices they can introduces them to the
God that will dwell in the hearts of teenagers and participate in their
lives. To teach teens obedience with God is to teach them to honor the
Image within them and to seek the reality, the qualities of the Kingdom
through the choices they make. Honor has a theological application when
teens first learn what it is to honor God and self. Honoring God
includes respecting and valuing self as a unique Image bearer. Being
responsible for the power and Image within them and making choices that
reflect that power and image then gives teens an understanding for what
obedience and honor looks like in the parental-child relationship and
in dating.
When teens live in obedience with God and honor their self worth
they can recognize domestic violence as evil and not “normal”. In a
liberating and affirming relationship with God they can develop the
courage to refuse to accept and to stand against that which seeks to
blind them to the Image within, take away their power to choose and
deny them the experience Kingdom realities.
Teenagers Exposed to Domestic Violence
The teen living at home with domestic violence is already
experiencing mixed messages about love. Most likely they are already
being told that the perpetrator loves the victim. In other words the
teenager is hearing “you know your dad really does love us, he just
looses his temper sometimes”. The teen hearing “I really don’t mean to
hurt your mother, I love her.” Combine those home messages with a
spiritual message that children should honor their parents and we
create a teenager that accepts and associates violence with love and
honor with silence. This integration shapes the way in which teens will
develop their intimate relationships.
In Thomas Merton’s, No Man is an Island, he wrote, “… What we are is
to be sought in the invisible depths of our own being… in our soul.”
Merton encourages us in the fact that we are much is more than what we
do or say. Our actions are not what we truly are, but merely
reflections of our true selves, our souls. However, he adds that what
we believe of ourselves and our actions depend greatly on “how the soul
sees itself…”
To be or not to be, is one of the major dilemmas for teenagers
exposed to domestic violence. Will they discover their true selves,
their worth and unique beauty or will they loose themselves in the soul
crushing, heart breaking trauma of domestic violence? Will they develop
into their own identity and personhood or will they be lost never to
discover themselves outside of the chaotic environment and experience
of domestic violence?
Will the church and its clergy become the positive promising
partners to help teenagers exposed to domestic violence discover what
great wealth lies in the “depth of [their] own being?” What does the
Christian Tradition have to offer teenagers that witness domestic
violence? What resources are offered to help teenagers discover their
own self-worth, value and uniqueness in God? How can the Christian
tradition shine the light on the souls of these teenagers and reveal to
them their true selves? These are the primary practical questions that
require theological exploration when considering a church response to
teens exposed to domestic violence.
Teenagers Can Protect Themselves from Sexual Assault
No More Drama: Teen girls, don't be fooled by jealousy & possessiveness in a relationship.
Keeping Yourself Safe in a Violent Home
Domestic Violence & Marriage
Is a clear manifestation of human sin at work in the most intimate
of human relationships. It is a gross distortion of the covenant of
love between married or unmarried partners, or the violation of a
relationship of love, trust, and care between parents and children.
God created us male and female, saying, “let us make humankind in
our own image, according to our likeness . . .” Gen.1:26. It is worth
noting that God speaks in the plural, evoking an understanding of God’s
identity as being in relationship with God’s total self. If both male
and female are created in the image of God, then both are sacred
manifestations of God’s being. Human beings are created to be in
partnership with God and with each other, and our concept of
partnership is illustrated in the covenantal relationships that God
established with many biblical couples, including Abraham and Sarah,
Isaac and Rebecca, and Joseph and Mary. Human partnership is most fully
developed in the context of covenant when both parties bind themselves
to each other through self-giving love and mutual forbearance.
In addressing the community of Corinth in the thirteenth chapter of
1 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul defines the role that self-giving love
is to play in human relationships. As such, this passage applies not
only to relationships within communities of faith, it also communicates
a very tangible ethic for the intimacy of family relationships. “Love
is patient, love is kind, it is never envious or boastful or arrogant
or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or
resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.” This passage identifies the high level of commitment
and devotion involved in covenantal love. When used as a guide for
one’s own actions within family relationships, this passage sets a
standard of behavior and accountability reflective of the love of Jesus
Christ.
Children's Exposure to Domestic Violence
Domestic violence, defined as violence between adult intimate
partners, is recognized as a serious societal problem in the United
States. Researchers estimate that between 3.3 million and 10 million
children are exposed to domestic violence each year. Domestic violence
seriously threatens the health and emotional well being of children
living in these families. The invisible and high risk group is the
unrecognized children who live in the painful secret and deafening
silence of domestic violence within our congregation.
Domestic violence is still the well-kept secret of millions of
families including Christian families. Although the Church has been
slowly acknowledging and addressing domestic violence from theological,
biblical, and practical perspectives, little has been done to address
the needs of children exposed to or living with domestic violence.
Because these children do not have access to safe places or services
through traditional avenues such as battered women’s shelters or family
therapy, new strategies and programs for identifying, intervening,
protecting and healing these children must be developed. The church is
the perfect place to begin.
“One well-known fact is children who live with domestic violence are
more apt to be violent children than those who do not. A less-known
fact is that in 30% to 60% of all families where women are being
beaten, their children are also the victims of abuse by the same
perpetrator. A small but growing body of research also suggests that
children who witness domestic violence, but are not physically abused,
may suffer social and mental health problems as a result.”
Too many children do not have access to or can’t make their way into
the healing that is available in Christ through the Church. The Church
can take the lead in developing cooperative community responses to
children exposed to domestic violence in our congregations and in our
broader community.
Jesus knew and understood the social and cultural oppression
children are often born into. I understand Jesus' words to the
disciples in Matthew 18:3-4 to mean when you take a good look at a
child you can see what its like to be a part of God’s Kingdom. This
part of human life called children is special to God, so special that
Jesus said “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”
Just in case something was lost in His statement, Jesus made His love
for children plain when He continued His statement with, “If any of you
put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in
me, it would better for you if a great millstone were fastened around
your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:5-6
In saying “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me”
Jesus speaks of hospitality. To welcome is to allow even invite one to
receive hospitality. Within the Jewish custom hospitality would have
broad strokes of caring beyond mere shelter. Hospitality would include
provisions for the body and soul and protection from those who would
cause harm as Lot provided for the messengers in the story of Sodom and
Gomorrah.
Children depend on their parents and guardians to provide and
protect them. When protection and provision is not available in the
home children should be able to find it in the people and the house of
God, where hospitality is in abundance. Another characteristic that the
church is noted for and children should have access to is justice.
Marie Fortune wrote, “when harm is done by one person to another the
church ought to be about justice making”. Children have rights too. The
church is called to provide support for the safety and welfare of
children. We are called because one, our mission is to continue the
liberating ministry of Jesus; two, Jesus calls us to invite, and
receive children into a community of love and safety; and three, we are
called to stand and work for justice.
Preventing Date Rape & Dating Violence
coming soon
Men Preventing Violence
The call to partner with God to end violence against women and girls cannot be complete without the partnership of men and women working together. Click here for
10 Things Men Can Do To End Men's VIolence Against Women. Also included at this link is a list of abusive behaviors which constitute violence, often not involving physical contact. A list ofnational resources is also provided.
Men-Preventing-Violence.doc
