What if I am a victim?
What should I do if I believe I am a victim of domestic violence?
Love is
defined in I Corinthians 13:4-7 as being “patient, love is kind. It
does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it
is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”
Domestic violence indicates an imbalance of power and control.
Domestic violence is more than just physical. Domestic violence can
occur in other areas as well. Listed here are descriptions of types of
abuse.
Domestic violence can be:
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Financial abuse
- Spiritual abuse
You may be:
- Hit, shoved, slapped, kicked, punched or choked
- Threatened
- Called names
- Accused of being “crazy”
- Manipulated with scripture
- Denied equal access to finances
- Kept from friends or family
Domestic violence can exist between
- Dating couples
- Married couples
- Fiancés
- Ex spouses
- Non-married cohabitating couples
- Adults
- Teenagers
If you recognize any of these types of abuse as a pattern in your intimate relationship you are a victim domestic violence.
What should I do if I believe I am a victim of domestic violence?
- Trust and believe in yourself
- Contact a counselor at a domestic violence agency
- Contact a pastor/spiritual leader and a friend you can trust
- If you decide to stay in a violent environment, develop a safety plan
Resource websites:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Family Violence Protection Fund
FaithTrust Institute
Recognize the signs of abuse
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors
(abuse) that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners.
Women who are or have been victims of domestic violence are as
varied as the feathers of a bird. The abused woman looks just like the
non-abused woman. Domestic violence crosses all racial, social,
religious, cultural and economic lines. Therefore, abuse of women spans
across the full spectrum of womanhood. The abused woman can be your
mother, sister, niece, or best friend. She can be a homemaker, CEO,
pastor, teacher or your manicurist.
Although the abused woman cannot be stereotyped, there are concrete
patterns of behavior that exist within an abusive relationship that can
identify the existence domestic violence.
Physical Abuse
Acts of violence such as hitting, punching, kicking, strangling,
biting, dragging, restraining, confining, assaulting, and threatening
with weapons or objects.
Sexual Abuse
Any form of unwanted sexual behavior that violates a person's
boundaries or self-determination, including but not limited to: sexual
assault and sexual harassment, inappropriate touching, pressure to
perform specific sexual acts, pressure to have unsafe sex, degrading
comments about one's body or sexuality.
Emotional Abuse
A pattern of control whereby one person exerts power over another
through verbal, psychological, or spiritual means to frighten,
intimidate, threaten, isolate, harass, berate, humiliate, disempower,
or destabilize the other person. Some signs include: making the person
feel "crazy," blaming the victim for the abuser's behaviors, minimizing
or denying incidents of abuse, using children, extreme jealousy,
controlling where the other person goes or what she does with her time,
destroying personal belongings, frequent criticism, isolation from
support systems such as friends/family/congregation, insulting one's
most valued beliefs, or using social privilege.
Spiritual Abuse
A type of emotional mistreatment where one person uses spiritual
practices to gain control over another person. Examples include using
scripture to justify abuse, restricting access to worship, and
invalidating or mocking spiritual beliefs.
Financial Abuse
A pattern of mistreatment whereby one person exerts financial power
and control over another, or uses economic means to frighten,
intimidate, threaten, isolate, harass, humiliate, disempower,
destabilize, or otherwise control another. This can include withholding
or stealing money, abusing credit, controlling financial decisions,
withholding financial information, sabotaging someone's means of
employment or income, creating financial dependence, and using
class/status/economic power against the other person.
Anyone experiencing any of these patterns of abuse in an intimate
relationship is a victim of domestic violence. The abuse does not have
to exist in a marriage or between adults to be domestic violence.
Domestic violence can exist between
- Dating couples
- Married couples
- Fiancés
- Ex spouses
- Non-married cohabitating couples
- Adults
- Teenagers
How can I help a victim/survivor of domestic violence?
As friends and family of victim/survivors we want to see them free
from abuse and on the road to recovery and healing. Often we want this
new life for our friends and families long before they are ready to
make the necessary steps for change.
A woman usually leaves her abuser on the average of 7 times before she leaves the relationship permanently. The abuse
always escalates when she attempts to leave leaves and most women that
are killed in domestic violence cases are killed after they leave the
abuser. So, leaving has to be on her terms in her time. Part of leaving
an abusive relationship is taking back the personal power that has been
given away. The victim/survivor is accustomed to having her abuser tell
her what to think and do. Her self-esteem on a personal level has
diminished and she has been convinced that she “can’t do anything
right” and that she is not capable of taking care of herself. The last
thing the victim/survivor needs is to have someone else telling her
what she should and should not do, and making her feel bad about her
decisions.
The victim/survivor has to want freedom for herself.
Your desire to see her free, whole and healthy is not enough. You will
want to make her see the light and do the "right" thing but she will
have to come to the conclusion of what is right for her. Being an
advocate for victim/survivors of domestic violence requires patience,
faith in God and in the victim/survivor and self-discipline.
But there are things you can do.
Talk less about her abuser and more about her.
Tell her how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of love and
respect she is. Tell her about the wonderful life, the abundant life,
God has planned for her.
Tell her the abuse is not her fault. She
needs to know that she hasn’t done anything to deserve the abusive
treatment. Help her to see that the abuser chooses to do harm because
he can, not because she has done something wrong. Affirm that God loves
her and is not punishing her. If she is married, tell her the abuser
has broken the marriage covenant with the abuse.
Talk to her about her safety.
Encourage her to think about the harm she (and her children) is in.
Help her to create a safety plan for her protection and escape if
needed.
See the Safety Plan here.
Help her see the incredible power she has to create the quality of life she (and her children) deserves.
Point out the awesome things she does do and has done for others.
Highlight the strength and courage it takes to stay in an abusive
relationship and how she can redirect that energy and determination to
create a new and healthy life.
Encourage her to become informed about abusive relationships.
Provide her with AVA local resources from programs and shelters. Give
her KEEPING THE FAITH: GUIDANCE FOR CHRISTIAN WOMEN FACING ABUSE (can
be ordered from The Women Ministries office). If she seems open to
talking with someone suggest that she see a therapist or talk to a
crisis counselor.
Let her know she is not alone. Although
she may feel alone, assure her God is with her and longs to partner
with her in liberation, recovery and healing. Assure her that many
walk, have walked in her shoes and have made it with the help of
others. Commit to walk with her on the journey. DO NOT judge her or put
her down if she does not do what you want her to. That is what her
abuser does. Let her know you love her and will be with her no matter
what she decides.
Finally, be a spiritual conduit for God to minister to her.
Pray for her and with her. Share scriptures that speak of God’s
unfailing love, healing, redemptive love, liberating power and
commitment to her life. Show her stories in the bible where God’s
children have been betrayed by someone they loved and trusted, but God
stayed by their side.
Remember, The Spirit of the Lord is on
[you], because He has anointed [you] to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent [you] to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of
sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of
the Lord's favor."
Developing a Safety Plan
An outline for developing a plan to keep a victim safe and prevent future injury.
Developing-a-Safety-Plan-1.pdf
