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How can I help a victim/survivor of domestic violence?

A woman usually leaves her abuser on the average of 7 times before she leaves the relationship permanently. The abuse always escalates when she attempts to leave leaves and most women that are killed in domestic violence cases are killed after they leave the abuser. So, leaving has to be on her terms in her time. Part of leaving an abusive relationship is taking back the personal power that has been given away. The victim/survivor is accustomed to having her abuser tell her what to think and do.  Her self-esteem on a personal level has diminished and she has been convinced that she “can’t do anything right” and that she is not capable of taking care of herself. The last thing the victim/survivor needs is to have someone else telling her what she should and should not do, and making her feel bad about her decisions. 

The victim/survivor has to want freedom for herself. Your desire to see her free, whole and healthy is not enough. You will want to make her see the light and do the "right" thing but she will have to come to the conclusion of what is right for her.  Being an advocate for victim/survivors of domestic violence requires patience, faith in God and in the victim/survivor and self-discipline.

But there are things you can do.

Talk less about her abuser and more about her. Tell her how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of love and respect she is. Tell her about the wonderful life, the abundant life, God has planned for her.

Tell her the abuse is not her fault. She needs to know that she hasn’t done anything to deserve the abusive treatment. Help her to see that the abuser chooses to do harm because he can, not because she has done something wrong. Affirm that God loves her and is not punishing her. If she is married, tell her the abuser has broken the marriage covenant with the abuse.

Talk to her about her safety. Encourage her to think about the harm she (and her children) is in. Help her to create a safety plan for her protection and escape if needed.

See the Safety Plan here.

Help her see the incredible power she has to create the quality of life she (and her children) deserves. Point out the awesome things she does do and has done for others. Highlight the strength and courage it takes to stay in an abusive relationship and how she can redirect that energy and determination to create a new and healthy life.

Encourage her to become informed about abusive relationships. Provide her with AVA local resources from programs and shelters. Give her KEEPING THE FAITH: GUIDANCE FOR CHRISTIAN WOMEN FACING ABUSE (can be ordered from The Women Ministries office). If she seems open to talking with someone suggest that she see a therapist or talk to a crisis counselor.

Let her know she is not alone. Although she may feel alone, assure her God is with her and longs to partner with her in liberation, recovery and healing.  Assure her that many walk, have walked in her shoes and have made it with the help of others. Commit to walk with her on the journey. DO NOT judge her or put her down if she does not do what you want her to. That is what her abuser does. Let her know you love her and will be with her no matter what she decides.  

Finally, be a spiritual conduit for God to minister to her. Pray for her and with her. Share scriptures that speak of God’s unfailing love, healing, redemptive love, liberating power and commitment to her life. Show her stories in the bible where God’s children have been betrayed by someone they loved and trusted, but God stayed by their side.

Remember, The Spirit of the Lord is on [you], because He has anointed [you] to preach good news to the poor. He has sent [you] to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."