When a child is sexually assaulted or a woman is raped, this changes who God created them to be. This is what happened to me. I was sexually assaulted by my uncle from the age of nine to eleven. I was also raped at the age of eighteen. Thinking about this is bringing tears to my eyes. My life from age fifteen to twenty-six was hell. I tried to commit suicide several times, was sexually active, and was drinking. I was in a downward spiral… so much shame; I felt worthless.
The rape and sexual assault left me without a heart, soul, mind, or spirit. I used my body to get what I wanted. You see at the age of nine, I learned that sex is power, so what had been taken from me – my purity – I used to gain power and control over men, some of which were my teachers. I felt nothing for the men that I was intimate with. I didn’t understand at the time, why I was the way I was.
The abuse had turned me into someone I really didn’t like, but I knew no other way. I didn’t trust or respect men, not even my father.
There was a hole in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul. After years of doing things my way, I finally said I would try this God thing. But even then I couldn’t change my behavior.
My change came when I was about twenty-six years old. God gave me a gift, which really changed my life and became my source of love. The gift was my daughter Saleacia, whom I have loved unconditionally. Saleacia has been my saving grace. Once I had her I knew that I had to change my life. God had given me another chance to be set free. God has shown me, through Saleacia, that I am worthy and his grace is sufficient.
God had a plan and a purpose for my life even while I was trying to destroy it. Saleacia is a precious jewel to me. I have been so blessed to be her mom and have her as my daughter.
In life there are good times and bad times. Some people ask, “Why did God allow these things to happen?” Even I blamed God for what had happen to me. But this I know for sure that: God kept me through all the trials and tribulations I went through and was always with me. I just had to ask him to come into my life and sit with me.
God has used my experiences to help so many young girls and women who have been through things.
I no longer blame God. I trust him with all I have. What the devil used to try and destroy me, God used for his good and glory.
There is one thing that I have never experienced in my life and that is to love a man intimately with all my heart. I may never experience this but this I know at the age of fifty-eight, I can truly say God is good. If you allow him to take all your hurts, he will heal you and give you peace that surpasses all understanding.
Today I have a renewed and restored heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I have been made whole through Jesus Christ. I have forgiven myself, my uncle, and the man who raped me. I have learned to truly appreciate and enjoy my life. I say this every day, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper, even if the weapon is me.” God is my strength, my hope and anchor. Jehovah Jireh is my provider.
I leave you with this: remember that God wants to repair every broken thing in your life that has been lost. It is a journey, but in the end you can shout “Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy and grace brought me through.”