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Ellie's Story: My Childhood

Was there a time when my childhood was sublime?
I think not, because all of this pain wouldn’t be mine
I watched my uncle’s roaming hands as they traveled over the skin of my mother
I felt those same hands as he also touched me instead of another
He took his liberties touching and feeling me, the pleasure he must of had
It was bad… it was bad, and inside I felt so sad

My brother was next in my journey of childhood pain
The teasing, taunting, and tickling – he just could not refrain
Being adopted he said he was chosen and I just happened
With the pain, lack of trust, and the torment I felt abandoned
It was bad… it was bad, and inside I felt so sad

Upon wakening at grandma’s in a pool of cold wet blood
I made the transition… a rite of passage into full blown womanhood
Nothing done to prepare me, no motherly chats, not even a book
I stood frightened in the shower, confused, and in no mirror could I look
It was bad… it was bad, and inside I felt so sad

“Take care of your sister” she said to brother as mom gave him the car keys
I was the back seat tag-a-long, the one all his friends took turns to squeeze
In a very strange way I took comfort in the attention from all the boys
I was to discover too late that the back seat sex only made me their toy
It was bad… it was bad, and inside I felt so sad

“Daddy stop, don’t hit” was the regular dinner-time ritual of fight
I hid under the table, trembling and covering my ears with all my might
Dad’s continual drinking became the norm as he sank deep into depression
My brother’s birth family background had caused a lot of oppression
We were a family divided by walls of chaos, mistrust and wine
This was an unhappy childhood, my childhood – unnurtured and unkind
It was bad… it was bad, and inside I felt so sad

Grandma and grandpa can’t seem to live together, can’t live alone
They love and hate each other, now she’s living in our home
He’s always playing around with his life-long girlfriend
Grandma commits suicide so her lifetime of pain will end
It was bad… it was bad, and oh so sad

I want to leave home I can’t stand dad and my relationship
He treats mom awful and sis and I like s _ _ _
On my sisteenth birthday he took me to China Town, we visit bars
I want to flee to the parking lot and hide among the cars
It was bad… it was bad, and made me feel so sad

Is there childhood happiness beyond the womb? I cannot say
Three sons I have whose childhoods must find a better way
Maybe theirs won’t be so bad… won’t be so bad… won’t be so sad

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