Analyzing and critiquing movies is one of my favorite pastimes. There are myriad films that focus on singleness, and they often portray this relationship status as the least desirable possibility. Falling in love, being in a relationship, or marrying the love of one’s life are often depicted as the most fulfilling path.
The 1989 film When Harry Met Sally captures our society’s anxiety about living single in your thirties and beyond. It portrays the romantic tension between friends Harry and Sally over the course of a decade. Writer Nora Ephron brilliantly captures the ebb and flow of their relationship, and her insight into the way singles experience their lives is both humorous and gripping.
In one scene, Sally and her friends Marie and Alice discuss their love lives over lunch. Sally talks about her recent breakup with her boyfriend, Joe. Now that Sally is newly single, Marie insists on setting her up with one of the men in her Rolodex. Sally declines, explaining that she is not ready to date again. Throughout the conversation, both Marie and Alice insist that Sally absolutely cannot remain single. As a last-ditch effort to instill fear, Marie shares a story about an acquaintance who died after waiting to start dating following his divorce. In response, Sally asks, “What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he’s about to die?” Alice replies with a gut-wrenching line: “At least you can say you were married.”
Sadly, this urgency to get married at any cost has found its way into the church. While it may not be explicit, it is often implied in how a church does ministry and relates to its single members. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly half of adults in the United States are single, and marriage rates continue to decline. Research from the Pew Research Center shows a growing number of adults in their forties have never married, with some projections suggesting that as many as one in three adults may remain unmarried by 2050.
Several years ago I listened to a podcast where two pastoral leaders described single people in a demeaning manner. As a single woman, I was both infuriated and saddened by what they shared. Psychologist Bella DePaulo describes such a perspective as a persistent cultural narrative that singles are “abnormal, unnatural, and inferior.” Such harmful messages can contribute to depressive and anxious symptoms, especially for those already feeling vulnerable about their relationship status. When these messages are internalized, a person may even find themselves in an unhealthy relationship simply to avoid feeling that something is wrong with them.
As I was still processing my frustration over that podcast, I felt a nudge to write about how the church can care more effectively and compassionately for singles and to see them as fully whole individuals. Research has shown that singleness is often viewed as a deficit, and sadly, I think much of the church has adopted this narrative as well. I have personally been asked, “What’s wrong with you that you are not married?” I am far from the only person who has heard that question. Thankfully, I was in a healthier place along my journey, but that question assumes everything is “right” with those who are married.
I am currently interviewing never-married women and men over the age of thirty for a book project. They represent a diverse range of experiences from across the country. It has been an honor to listen to their stories. They speak of the richness, joy, and freedom that singleness can bring, as well as the grief. Some of that grief comes from being single longer than expected. Some comes from how singles are perceived—pitied, overlooked, or treated as incomplete. Their readiness for leadership is questioned. Their worth is subtly tied to whether they have a spouse.
The truth is that some joyful single people prefer being single. Bella DePaulo describes such individuals as “single at heart”—those for whom single life is their best life. For them, singleness is not a holding pattern until marriage comes along. Pastoral leaders and communities can affirm and bless singles right where they are. Nothing is “wrong” with them.
There are also those who grieve that marriage may never be part of their story. They live with uncertainty and a sense of loss. It is important that we grieve with them. Others experience a mix of contentment and longing. Learning to hold that tension with them may be one of the most loving ways to walk alongside a single congregant or friend.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Several years ago a friend shared that her church conducted a survey to better understand its congregation. They discovered that while the majority of the church was single, many of its ministries were oriented toward married couples and families with children. She described the experience as one of invisibility. Many of the women and men I have spoken with echoed this reality—they feel unseen or misunderstood because they are unmarried. This is especially painful in communities meant to reflect belonging.
I want to be clear: I am not anti-marriage or against the pursuit of romantic love. It is healthy to name our desires, and we worship a God who welcomes all that we bring to the table. What I am challenging is the idea that marriage is the ultimate expression of love or the primary source of identity and worth. This belief not only harms single people but also places an impossible burden on marriage itself. No human relationship can fully carry that weight. As Scripture reminds us, it is in God that we “live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28).
Pastoral leaders can care well for single women and men in their congregations in a few ways. One consistent theme in my interviews is how much it matters when singles are acknowledged from the pulpit, such as through sermon illustrations that normalize the single experience, reflecting both its richness and its challenges. Given that many pastors are married, it can also be meaningful to invite single individuals or panels to share their stories.
It is equally important to emphasize the role of friendship and community. Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 reminds us that we are meant to live in mutual care and support: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (NIV).
This passage is often read at weddings, but its message extends far beyond marriage: we need one another. We need people who will help us up when we fall, who will walk with us in struggle, who will celebrate and grieve alongside us. Marriage cannot be the only place where this kind of support exists. Married couples need single people in their lives just as much as singles need them.
Writer Laura Winner reflects that singleness can bear witness to a deeper dependence on God, reminding the church that our ultimate hope is rooted not in any human relationship but in God’s kingdom.
Finally, we must remain curious about others. No two single people are alike. Factors such as culture, gender, age, and life experience shape how singleness is lived and understood. Some desire marriage; others do not. Some feel deep grief; others feel deep contentment. When we resist assumptions and instead listen well, we learn how to walk alongside people in ways that honor their actual lives.
In Mary Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day,” she asks, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Perhaps that is the question we should ask our single friends instead of, “When are you getting married?”
Single people are not deficient. They are not unchosen or forgotten. They are not left behind. They are called, loved, and fully seen by God.
This article was first published in the Covenant Companion Summer 2026 issue, the official magazine of the Evangelical Covenant Church.
